The Internet Disappeared
Last month the internet died…
one minute it was there.. i was skyping with this hottie, she was about to strip for me, the next minute it was gone.. i tried everything, refresh, refresh, refresh, nothing… ctrl+alt+delete.. nope. hard reset.. nothing.
i remember thinking, how am i going to survive? it was crazy… why the internet? i mean, seriously, take away fax, post offices, public schools, take away eritrea and bosnia… why the internet?
I remember i didnt believe it until i went out to complain to ipnx the Next day. There were traffic jams everywhere.. i got to the office and there were thousands of people there.. i didnt know ipnx had up to a thousand subscribers.. the managers addressed us, and told us it was a global phenomenon.. Thats when i knew we were screwed..
did i mention it was a friday? yeah.. that night i went clubbing.. there were girls sitting down on the chairs in the club, holding their hands up in front of them, making strange motions with their thumbs.. Lagos was a zombie city… what the hell was going on?
i mean there was still electricity, water, and food, but what good was it without the internet? no twitter? Jide killed himself.. no facebook? thats what made me scared.. i’d like to think facebook retards only existed on facebook.. the thought of encountering them in real life? i just cant..
Surprisingly enough, we moved on somewhat.. well not really, but life continued. all in all, only 30,000 Nigerians comitted suicide. Most of them were Yahoo Yahoo boys, then the occasional twitter addict and forex trader..
Life at the office moved on smoothly. I discovered that HALF of the emails that i used to send, or my boss used to send us were absolutely unnecessary. The paper industry was flourishing.. So was the pornography industry. No one prospered like Alaba market though.. in the space of 2 weeks, with the demise of youtube, it became the worlds number one provider of videos, new music (official, studio leaks and naija party remixes)..
its been a month now. im surviving. what i cant stand though is my girlfriend. she speaks so strangely now. i think she had an alien encounter.. yesterday we were talking, and she kept saying “ehlowel” and “ehlemayow”.. she wanted to go to the toilet, but instead of excuse me, she said “beeyaarbee”.. I might have to break up with her… whatever disease she has might be contagious
Did i mention the pornography industry? yeah i did. add the lubricant industry tto the list of thriving businesses.. Apparently, a lot of guys have forgotten how to get a womans details on face to face basis. we all miss Match.com and twitter and facebook and blackberry messenger. Its terrible. Now we have to buy flowers, and buy cards, and have meaningful conversations with them… who does that?
As sharp guys, some boys have adapted. yesterday i was at a bar. i watched a guy walk in. he had “facebook retard” written all over him. oh wait did i mention theres beef between facebook users and former twitter users? yeah. i really hope it doesnt get violent. that would be Genocide. facebook retards outnumber us greatly.. Anyways yeah, so facebook retard walks up to the bar, and orders a drink.. He downs the shot, then walks up to a wall, brings out a sharpie pen and scribbles on it. then he talks to the wall, brings out a picture from his pocket, pins it on the wall, and walks back to the bar. he beelines for this beautiful girl, who sadly, has Facebook retard written all over her too… he stuck a finger out and poked her in her ribs.. i was like “oh my God hes so rude”, but she blushed, whispered something to her friends, who all giggled.. she reached a hand out, and poked him back, then took his hand and they both walked out of the bar. they went to have sex im sure.
people have been really strange lately.
Oh yeah, i would hate to be a Lawma or Lasaa worker right now.. people cant find enough places to scribble shit. some random zombie wrote some inspirational quote on my car, another person wrote out whats in store for sagittarius on my gate. stop this madness..
im really scared though…
end of pt 1…