Twitter For Assholes: Vol. 1 (The Shadow Account)
The internet is a strange ass place… but we love it. I personally love my twitter. I love the concept of it, sharing information and humor (and pictures of your wiener) with loads of strangers. Twitter has become really popular in Nigeria, with almost a million people tweeting away bits and pieces of their minds and sharing their days with each other.. internet anonymity affords us the opportunity to be whoever we want to be, that’s why you find people living out their fantasies of being “c.e.o”s and “models” and p.r agents on twitter… And that girl with the sexy avatar that you keep sending raunchy Direct messages to, that’s really a husband and father of 3 children… but its cool, that’s the internet.
However, we’re cool with talking smack to a bunch of strangers who may be weirdos in real life, but its much weirder when we’re talking to someone who we know with a “shadow account”..
What is a shadow account? You ask me, if you have to ask this question, you’ve carried last. All the “big boys” have one..
A shadow account is a fake account created by someone in desperate need of attention to further some “secret agenda” of theirs… to the normal eye, they’re just normal tweeters particularly fond of/ loatheful of one person, but to the trained eye, they’re extremely easy to spot..
Why would I want a shadow account? You’ve carried last again… if you’re an egotistical, attention seeking prick (if you tweet, you probably are) then a shadow account is Perfect for you. Seriously, check out some uses of a shadow account..
To support your argument: you know, cos everyone you’re arguing with is a moron, so you can use your shadow account to back yourself up, and make your point seem more popular than it deserves to be
To attack your critics: coughednutcough Definitely, if you’re an online “big boy” and can’t be seen fighting with your “haters” all the time, you can use a shadow account to defend yourself J
To Promote your shit: if you have a “blog” or youre selling something, you can use your shadow account to talk up your merchandise, wash, wash, wash and wash until people think “hey, someone’s buying it, let me…
To air Opinions you wouldn’t want attributed to you: We all have an inner “politician”… some more than others. You want to say something really hateful about that celebrity but he follows you and you don’t want to get blocked… what do you do? @boycottdbanj
HOW TO HANDLE YOUR SHADOW ACCOUNT.
You can’t just wake up and have a convincing shadow account.. it takes time, guts and brains..
First step: Give your shadow account street cred. Use the account to attack popular people, like REALLY attack them, insult them as hard as you can, till someone starts to retweet you just for the fun of it.. or RT reverend run… anything to get attention and followers. You can also google a naked picture and send it to the prettiest girls on your timeline, writing an introductory line, most effectively with bad grammar.. (if you want your shadow account to have a “creepy” rep)
Now you’ve got attention and followers, (even if they’re all disgusted by you, all publicity is good publicity) you can use your shadow account for s variety of gimmicks… You can make yourself seem hotter than you really are by flirting with yourself.. “ive got a crush on @xxxxx” or “@xxxxxx is sooo hot”… yeah… watch the attention pour in.
you can catapult yourself to the league of “online grandmaster” by adding a ”GBAM” or “CO-SIGN” to everything your real account types.. Don’t always agree with yourself though… You can make your shadow account more believable, and give it more “street cred” and “character” by having a different opinion sometimes…
If you’re a paranoid prick (like almost everyone else), you know you have “haters” steady lurking. You can use your shadow account to get close to them. Mirror their views, laugh at their jokes, find out what the hell they’re saying about you (for those of you saying “is it that serious”?, youll be surprised at how many of your friends are doing this shit)
This post is getting long though… ill keep you informed on the latest trends in online assholery… In the meantime, Lets all get along though…
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